You wanna pizza me? Tuesday 2 June 2020, Day 76

When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that's amore

I tell you I was over the freaking moon last Thursday when I found out that my current favourite pizza shop was opening for take away, it’s been a long three months without a Stone baked Italian Sausage pizza from Nello’s.

Between my mac and cheese and square plate rants you may think I am a fussy bass, but really I am in general a laid back person but there are some exceptions where I like what I like and I want what I want and pizza is one of those exceptions.

I like my pizza’s simple and cooked in a stone oven, when I get a takeaway pizza, I always order a Pizza Margarita with Italian Sausage, I ask for it unsliced and taken out of the oven 30 seconds early.

The reason I ask this is because, when I get home by the time I’ve taken my jacket off, done a pee, changed into my jammies, poured a glass of wine the pizza has lost some of its heat, the heat is always lost with a delivery too. So, I stick it in the oven for one minute and thirty seconds. Thirty seconds covers the final cooking and the one minute covers the heating up. Having it unsliced keeps it together and easier to get in and out the oven, easy peasy!

You would think with such simple requirements it would be easy to get what I want but no, all the big players such as Dominos, Pizza Hut/Express are not interested, if it’s not in their staff manual they canny do it. I tend to avoid these places they are too frigging expensive and any pizza that gets placed on a travellator and ran under a grill come oven is no a pizza in my books.

Oooft and those dips honestly what the fuck are they about, chips n dips I get but pizza n dips not in my world, no way nada, and you know what happens when dips are around, aye double dipping, I can feel the heeby jeebies just at the thought of it, I canny allow myself to get started on double dipping as that rant would be a novel!

I rarely get supermarket pizzas, they never just have a sausage pizza, they either don’t cook on the bottom, the topping is just lobbed at it and all the cheese is clumped together on one fecking side, so I have to spend MY time distributing it evenly over the pizza. Oh, if the crust burns you can guarantee it’s that crispy you tear the roof of your mouth to shreds.

For many years I would order my pizzas from Rosso’s in Bothwell, after a few teething problems they got use to me and me to them and I was really glad as they also delivered their house wine as long as you ordered food. “Hello, can I order three mozzarella sticks and five bottles of your house wine?

In fact, I got so use to them that one time I made an order they called me back to check if I wanted wine, cheeky bastards did they think I was an alky? I didn’t need it though as Jim their delivery driver would pick it up from Tesco Metro Uddingston on the way to mine for a fraction of the price and I would bung him an extra tip. Ahh the good old days, sadly Rosso started using a cheap Italian sausage, so I had to end that relationship.

I then moved on to San Vincenzo, Bothwell I had heard good things from lots of people about their food, so I was excited at the thought of ordering my first pizza (I need a life). I went into the shop and was served by a woman who was obviously from Parkhead and trying to put an Italian accent on. She reminded me of Brits abroad you know when they add a “O” on to everything and think it sounds like the local language, “I’ll have a cheeso n hammio tostio ah revoir, grassyarse”

After repeating my order four times, I think it was the language barrier I sat back and waited, and waited, forty five mins later “hereso youro pizzo” So of course I open it and it has been sliced –

Me – I specifically asked for my pizza not to be sliced

Martina – Ahh the chefo is sorro, he mako a mistako, a habito

Me – Yes, I appreciate it’s an easy mistake to make, but it is not what I ordered

Martina- So wadda you wanna me to do

Me – Well either you put extra cheese on my pizza and melt it, so the slices stick together or cook me a fresh one, Capisce?

Martina- Vaffanculo (F Off)

After a short wait I left with a lovely looking pizza but I was so para they spat in it I binned it, before I got the chance to try them again someone drove a Vauxhall Corsa through the doors and set it on fire. It wasn’t me!

So Nello’s I’ve been using them for a year now and never had any problems, so when I heard they were opening I took a half day to ensure I was first in the queue.

I cried when they handed the pizza box over to me, I don’t know how I never crashed driving home as I kept gazing lovingly at the box, I even teased myself by nibbling on a slice of sausage defuckinglicious!

Like an excited child I jumped out the car, raced up the steps, tripped and the pizza went flying out the box, everything went into slow motion, the scream from my mouth must have been heard in Nitshill. I watched it flip round three times before landing base side down.

Yassssssssssssss ya fooking dancer, God kissed it the devil missed it!