Crash and Burn, Tuesday 28 January 2025.

If you need to crash, then crash and burn. You're not alone.

Over the last year people have asked me, what’s happened to you blog? when are you going to write your next story? My reply was always the same “ach I’ll get around to it” and I never did!

Sadly, I just couldn’t be arsed, isn’t that terrible, I get why we can’t be arsed washing the dishes, doing the shopping, but not being arsed to do something you enjoy, what is that about? It’s fucking lazy that is what it is, well for me anyway.

Last week I was talking to a colleague, and we were chatting about New Years resolutions, which I am not a fan of, too much pressure and they are never realistic. Resolutions tend to focus on what to give up, but he mentioned doing things he used to enjoy, and I enjoyed writing my stories, even if no one else reads them, it’s something for me, so I am back on it.

We should all do something for ourselves!

The other thing I want to do is slow down, we bomb through life like headless chickens, must get to the shops, must get to the gym, must get to work, must get the kids (aye fair enough), must walk through town like a speed walker on poppers.

Texting on the go, WTF nearly walked into the road and got run over, just cause I had to check if my pal replied to my whats app. I know she’s read it there is blue ticks, come on tae fook, wtf is taking her so long, I need to know NOW what our arrangements are for our meet up in 6 months time! 

I see people in shops on their phone’s half listening, not concentrating on the conversation, when they get to the till, panic sets in, they start sweating, OMFG how they gonna swipe their Clubcard and pay from their phone wallet. I am not kidding, I’ve seen someone move their head down to the card machine so they could pay.  Get a fucking smart watch, or better yet, take time out to call the person and listen to each other.

I don’t know how many times I’ve fucked my head off my car boot cause I’ve not had the patience to wait until it’s fully opened. Oh, and let’s see how many bags of shopping I can carry, I’d fucking challenge Charles Atlas to carry more bags than me what I get back fae Lidl! 

It’s counterproductive, and there’s always that one bag that wants to get it right up you by bursting, the loaf gets squashed, tins fly out, the butter drops and leaks on the floor and I end up more exhausted cause I've done a full set of River dance to avoid the mess!

Two things happened to me recently that have forced me to take action to slow down.  I had booked a swimming session, and I ended up late, cause I was fannying about on my phone watching reels , so of course I bombed it there, quickly vaselined myself into my cozzie, stuffed my clothes into the locker and headed for the pool.

My eyesight is shocking so, I need to wear my glasses to walk to the pool, I flung my glasses down at the side and they shoot forward, I stumbled forward to grab them and quickly pulled back, I stumbled forward again, pulled back again, my feet shoot out and I fell into the pool like a 200lb Marlin who had escaped the hook, it was not a pretty sight, my back hit the side and I go deep into the water.

I nearly shat myself and thank fuck I never, the humiliation of being pulled from the water by the lifeguard (for which I am extremely grateful) in front of a group of OAPs waiting for their aqua aerobics class was enough to deal with, without floaters in the mix.

I got taken to the side of the pool, “are you all, right?”, “Are you cold, do you need a foil blanket?” “Do you want a cup of tea?” “Are you sure you don’t want a cup of tea?” I don't know if it was the shock or that people were fussing over me, but I heard myself say, "Fuck off Mrs Doyle's, don’t offer me that again, unless you have a Bovril, I want fuck all”

I just wanted to get the fuck out of there, realising there was no way the OAPs were letting me go quickly, I calmed myself, took the tea, ( I can't be sure they never spat in it, but it did taste good) and signed up for the following weeks aqua aerobics class with my new pals. Every Cloud.

A week later, I decide to take a shortcut to get to the shops, I mean why would I walk on the pavement, when I can cut across the grass made mushy with leaves? Well it would take 1 min 3 secs off the time to get there, fucking bonus!

Four steps in, I slide, fall backwards, my head hits and bounces off the ground, saying it was fucking sore doesn’t give it justice. Stunned, I jump up and liquid starts pouring from my nose, I hold on to a tree to steady myself and have a look around to check that no one saw me, cause that as you know is a priority when you have smashed your nut and have unidentified liquid coming out your nose.  

My head is louping but what gave me the pure fear was the blurred vision that wisney for clearing, I grab my phone to call someone for help, but canny fucking see it. Raging at myself for not setting Siri up, I start wailing like a banshee, my clothes are covered in mulch and mud, tears and snotters are rolling down my face mixing with the nose liquid,

I must have looked like a maniac, nae wonder no one was coming to my help. Right Malky calm yer spam, I told myself, take deep breaths and wipe your face, which is when I realised my fucking glasses had came off in the fall. Whit a fandan!

When I finally got home, I called the docs about the nose liquid, he said it was likely to be Cerebrospinal fluid doing it's job and not to worry. Brain Fluid, not to worry, aye right you should see the state of my jacket !

Unrelated to any glasses incidents I was recently diagnosed with an eye condition, nothing serious so, my sympathy card doesn’t deserve any stamps.  My treatment is taking daily eye gel drops six times a day and every day I have to use a heated beaded eye mask for 20 minutes. At first I was like am I fuck doing that, but turns out it’s the best 20 mins of my day, no tv, no phone, just quiet.

People say there is no time like the present, I like to turn it around and say there is no present like the time. Don't crash and burn, take your time and do something for yourself.

Go on, do it now, what's keeping you, tick tock, could you be any slower.... Kidding

Gone masking, Malky