Mr Freeze anyone?

After 20 weeks of training, I can’t quite believe it’s only three more sleeps until I take part in a Half Marathon. After a five-year running gap, well to be fair to myself I have ran to the one-0-one at 9.55pm a few times and from Tam the randy pensioner who lives across the road, I decided to lace my trainers up, join a running group and get back into it. Thanks to the support of my running group here I am half marathon ready.

With run day looming I have mixed emotions, nausea, excitement, nerves, and the pure fucking fear! A few days before I ran this race the last time, I ended up in hospital and it wasn’t a pleasant experience.

Without considering my half training plan which concentrated on distance and not speed, I foolishly decided to enter my works annual very fast paced team race taking place a few days after the half.

The Wednesday lunchtime before the half, I’m on the Clydeside doing time trials with my jog buddies we’re laughing, joking, spurring each other on and checking out the competition. As I walk up to the starting line, I’m fucking buzzing, the adrenaline is pumping and I can hear “Goooooooo, Malky, you are gonna tan this”

The flag came down and I was off like a rocket. I bombed it along the side of the river and as I turned onto the bridge I was flying, my arms and legs were pumping and I felt like wonder woman, in fact I was fucking wonder woman. As I ran past people, I held up my wrists and made Pow, Pow, noises (whit a total fanny). Halfway across the bridge everything went blurry, a searing pain shot up the back of my neck to my head, I couldn’t feel my arms and I decked it flat out.

The pain in my head was like an ice cream brain freeze times 300 million trillion to affinity and never the fuck coming back again. I couldn’t feel my arms, legs and my heart was going like the clappers.

A lovely wee woman stopped and asked if I was ok, out of nowhere I suddenly developed Tourette’s, and I started effin and blinding at her, I think she gave me a swift boot but, in my panic, I can’t be sure, I hope she did as I deserved it. To this day I still feel guilty about what I said to her.

I was rushed to A&E, triage identified that my heart rate and blood pressure were seriously high, and I was to be kept in for observation. I was really scared I’d never been in hospital in fact I’d never really been ill, even when my brother and sister got measles and chicken pox, I never caught it, but I was blessed with the scabies (says a lot eh).

My other half arrived to provide support, but I sent him home under the pretence that the dog needed a walk, but really, he was being a useless prick and was annoying the fuck out of me. Honestly, I asked him to get me a magazine and he came back with Men's Health, WTAF!

Five hours in, I still had mega brain freeze, I was starving, cold, and really grumpy. Eventually I was sent to a ward where they slipped me into one of those gowns you know the one your arse hangs oot, I would love to say it was cozy and warm but was it fuck! The doctors were worried I had a bleed on the brain (yes, I do have one) or meningitis so I was sent for an X-ray.

X-ray done I was wheeled back to the ward about 9.00pm just as the auxiliary was doing her tea and toast rounds. There canny be anything more appealing than the smell of toast when your fucking starving. I was salivating, as she handed me a cuppa and ONLY one slice of toast, I burst into tears, didn’t she know I was starving, didn’t she know I had no breakfast, I wanted ten fucking slices!

I looked up at her with tears in my eyes “please ma'am can I have some more?” “Aye well if there is any left after I do the rounds, I’ll come back” did she fuck come back.

Arse hanging out my gown, I snuck down to the shop. Laughing like the Joker I cunningly hid my goodies under my arms, and other orifices on my body. Let me tell you I canny even look at a galaxy ripple anymore without getting the heebies!

Supplies in my arms I snuck into the ward to find the sister standing at my bed, one hand on hip she deservedly read me the riot act for leaving the ward without permission and the boot took my supplies off me!

Greeting I eventually fell asleep only to be woken on the hour every hour by the sister shining a torch in my eyes “ please, please, please I’m sorry I’ll never leave my bed again, you can keep the fucking wotsits ”. I felt like a right fud when they told me they were regularly checking my signs for meningitis, and not torturing me for disappearing.

By the morning, my brain freeze had turned to more of a slush what a relief, when my breakfast arrived, I practically inhaled it in, I quickly exhaled it back out when they told me I was going for a lumber puncture.

In the afternoon, the other half arrives with a woman’s own, a step up from men’s health but come on…. About 4 pm the doctor came to see me, a right dour faced bugger.

“Miss Malcolm, we’ve run a number of tests and have ruled out any serious conditions, although we have been unable to exactly diagnose what happened we believe it has been a severe rush of blood to your brain. Now don’t worry this can be quite common in runners who go off too fast. I also have to say it’s very common for those who experience tantric orgasms” (wink,wink but more like wank,wank). Before we send you home, have you any questions?

“Thanks doctor, I fully understand, but if you can explain to my other half what an orgasm is I would be extremely grateful, oh by the way, you can keep the ripple, but can I get my Wotsits back?”

Luckily, I was given permission to run and I had a fantastic experience and I know despite having the fear I will have a brilliant time on Sunday, but, in the meantime I’m staying away from speed, Sting, Mr Freeze’s and sex… Oh I should be so lucky!

Good Luck to all my friends running on Sunday, see you at the finish line xx