With friends like that, Thursday 14 May 2020 Day 57

Cause you were not right, You, were just righteous, with a friend as good as you, who needs enemies? I guess we all make mistakes!

Another night without any sleep, I was too scared to close my eyes. After finding the calling card and glass eye on my bed I didn’t need to phone Columbo to know that I never had an episode but that old boot Mary Anderson from number 59 was in my flat.

I don’t know how she got in, but suspect she got my spare key from my pals Aunty that stays next door. Maybe she has something on her like she cheated at bingo or didn’t put anything in the collection box at a coffee morning, I don’t suppose I’ll ever know.

What I do know is I am feart, I spoke to Tam Hughes about the Tollcross Tootise’s and he said in a whispered voice “they are no to be messed with” and offered to stay overnight with me just in case it happened again. I declined his offer, I’d rather take on the TTs than spend the night locked in my loo trying to avoid a randy pensioner who hasn’t had his hole in thirty years.

The things he told me the TTs have carried out was pure shocking, at a local church event they told Bill Napier that the sausage rolls were room temperature, when they knew they had just come out the oven. Poor Bill took the roof of his mouth off and was only able to eat soup and scrambled eggs for months, apparently it was revenge for his Mrs as he had asked some tart dripping in gold up to dance at the bowling club.

At the “crochet club” crochet club my arse, they accidentally stabbed Betty Arbuthnot through the hand with a crochet needle as she said the fruit scones were lacking fruit. How much force does it take to put a crochet needle through a hand! They must have had hard lives to be so evil and twisted.

I was even more feart when I got back to the flat, no matter where I put the glass eye I could feel it on me, I ended up flushing it down the loo. I wondered it Mary had my marble in her eye socket, or maybe she has an oak box inlaid with velvet with different coloured glass eyes I bet she strokes the box purring like a cat while watching Corrie.

I was just about to call my sister to say if she didn’t hear from me for a couple of days to check I wasn't dead or baked into a cherry pie, when my phone rang, it was my pal Karen from Bellshill we’ve been pals for 27 years.

Me – Hi Karen lovely to hear from you, how are you?

Karen – Are you turning into one of those needy bastard pals, you mentioned a few weeks ago?

Me – Well hello to you to, no what do you mean?

Karen – See yesterday I got your random pish twice, fucking twice, once by email and once by whats app, whit the fuck is that all about, you trying to get all my fucking attention? You fucking know I’ve got a man and wean at home, I don’t need you sucking the life out of me an aww. Sort yerself oot!

Sort myself oot, really, who does she think she is? I wonder if the TTs are recruiting!