Who you gonna call? Friday 13 November 2020, Day 244

Shout, shout, let it all out, these are the things I can do without, come on, I'm talking to you, come on.

I had one of those days a few weeks ago where I felt everything went wrong for me, in the bigger scheme of things it wasn’t important at all but at the time and in the moment it nearly put me over the edge.

That day I woke feeling fresh and vibrant, the cartoon birds swooped down and gently lifted my duvet before placing my Harley Quinn goonie over my shoulders and flicking the kettle on. I felt it was going to be a good day, I was wrong!

I was quite excited as I had an appointment for a contact lens trial, if you wear glasses you know how difficult it is to get your mask in the right position to stop your glasses steaming up and I am utterly fed up walking around shops and lifting my glasses up and down all the time just so I can blinking see.

So, I head up to the Glasgow Fort arrive at Specsavers and notice that the reception desk is now outside, I get that numbers inside are limited but come on tae France, the receptionist comes out i- pad in hand, “what’s your name?”, “your mobile and your date of birth?” “and your post code ?” “is that old Glasgow road?” No “I must have misheard you can we go through it again”

So, here’s the thing between me and the receptionist there are two masks a perspex screen and a visor so no wonder she misheard me and if that is no bad enough I’m giving out my personal details in a public area with people directly in a queue behind me and that is a real hate of mine it brings out my twitch. How do I know the person behind is not recording all my details and planning a cyber security robbery or my murder! Between gritted teeth I go through it all again and then the receptionist says, “we are running behind can I ask you to come back in 25 mins” REALLY?????? “aye of course”...

Stomping away in a rage I spot a food van and decide to get a cuppa and a roll and sausage, six mins later I’m asked for my order, “oh I’m sorry hen I’ve no got any sausages, do you want bacon?” Bacon, bacon if I had wanted bacon, I would have fucking asked for it, unless it’s streaky bacon I really don’t like it, see when bacon cooks and the excess water leaves a residue of white gloop in the wee curve it just reminds me of the top of my dads false teeth and believe you me I’m still recovering from him taking them out and giving me a sooky ear… BOKE!

With my rage building more I stomp over to Greggs get to the counter and ask for a sausage roll, the assistant slips it in the bag and says “it only has a residual heat in it, is that ok?” What the actual fuck does residual heat mean, can I eat it in one go?, is it gonna blister the roof of my mouth? so I ask “on a scale of 1 – 10 with 10 being the hottest where does the sausage roll sit”? honestly she looked at me as If I was fucking loon, “6” she replied. Lying bastard it was freezing but I shoved it in anyway.

Back down to Specsavers and to my utter dismay there is a different receptionist on the desk, knowing I canny go through the same again without losing the rag, I take my greggs bag and write my details on it and shove it right in front of her face.

When I got home, I was still raging so I called my pal for a rant I wanted to hear her say “aww naw, whit, that’s shocking, no sausages, see Greggs sausage rolls there’s never a happy heat medium” and you know what she did, she tried to apply logic and reason to the events, well fuck her, I hung up, I didn’t phone for logic and reason I wanted to rant.

So, I’ve decided I’m going to seek investment to provide a telephone service that people can call to rant. I reckon it might save a lot of relationships and it’s a tested model, we have Crisis lines, Mental health lines, Wanking lines all of which are there to help relieve stress and tension so why not a rant line.

I can see the advert now, Someone or something piss you off today? Why not call the Rant line, our trained members of staff will answer your calls within three rings and will never try and apply logic or reason they will just listen and agree. Calls will never be recorded for training purposes.

I think it will be really popular so if you or anyone you know might be interested in investing give me a call on Tollcross,181.