Two weddings, a square slice, and an epic fall, Thursday 19 August 2021, Day 520!

It’s a nice day for a white wedding, it’s a nice day to start again!

With the easing of restrictions, it’s lovely to see some normality returning to our lives, and a delight to see family and friends having reunions and being able to celebrate special occasions like weddings.

Two years ago, our family were buzzing with excitement when my niece announced she was getting married, it was the first family wedding for several years and to be honest a nice change as the previous year’s family events sadly tended to be funerals.

The wedding would be held in the beautiful surroundings of Glen Coe Valley, but what was even more exciting was my niece and my sister are Disney super fans so the wedding having a Disney theme, my niece would be the beautiful princess, her bridesmaids dressed in pastels of blue, pink, and lemon, my great niece would sprinkle fairy dust as they walked up the aisle. I had visions of her in a glass carriage pulled up the A82 by white horses with white feather plumes and diamond encrusted reins, completely oblivious to the honking horns and screams of abuse from the drivers behind. Can you imagine how annoying it would be if you were stuck behind a frigging glass carriage, I’d be raging blue murder!

For months I hummed and hawed about my outfit, I was in and out the Disney store that much I was put on their security watch, eventually I picked a Daisy Duck outfit and I looked as cute as a button in it. Well see when my sister said “You’re a fucking numpty, Disney theme, disney mean fancy dress” I was pure greeting! I kept the outfit anyway. Due to Covid my niece had to change her plans and had a lovely small wedding ( I wasn’t invited).

Another reason I was excited about my niece's wedding was that I had been regulated to the “only invite if you need someone to sit with your 88-year-old Uncle Willie,” so I hadn’t been to one in a while, honestly, it wasn’t like I meant what happened at my pals wedding.

So….. I’m at a friend’s wedding in Sherbrooke Castle, lovely posh venue, it’s a great night, the chat, drinks, and dancing were flowing, when the band said “the buffet is open” I could not wait to get tore in, I was starving, I glimpsed over and was fucking delighted when I saw rolls n sausage, bacon, tattie scone, Magic, just what I needed to soak up the bevvy.

Being a good pal, I took an order from the table, 3 sausage, two with ketchup, one brown, 5 bacon, nae butter on one, two with ketchup, 4 with brown, mmm that doesn’t add up, 1 tattie scone, “can you take a tattie scone off a roll and add it to a sausage” can I fuck! Apologising and making it clear to other buffet guests they were not all for me, I piled up the rolls on two plates, but the sauces were served in fancy gravy boat type things with wee mini tiny, teeny spoons, stuff that, they could come and get their own sauce.

Teetering back, I noticed the bride had joined the table, which was lovely as I hadn’t had a chance to speak to her all night, “you look beautiful” I exclaimed as I leaned over to put the plates down. At that moment a square sliced took a dive for freedom from its roll and was heading in the direction of the bride! You couldn't fucking write it! Everything went into slow motion and all I could hear was the beating of my heart in my head and the loud gasps of “fuck I’m outta here” from my pals.

Vaguely I heard the bride scream Noooooooooooooo, as she jumped up the rogue wee bastard sausage landed on her dress, flicking the dress the sausage flew up behind her and hit some baldy guy at the next table before it bounced and landed on the edge of the dance floor. The place was silent, and all eyes were on me and the bride, I looked around for the fire exits in case I had to make a run for it but the bride laughed and said “ach don’t worry it was an accident”

I am not religious, but I thanked the lord, and everyone and their granny that night for giving me the sense not to put sauce on those rolls. Sometimes I still wake up during the night with the fear thinking about it

The rest of the night flew in, and we all had a smashing time, after knocking back the four rounds we ordered when they called last orders we had to head home. As the wedding party walked us out to say goodbye (probably to make sure I got tae) I stood back to let my friend by and realised there was no ground beneath me, I was hovering at the top of the 100 plus stairs that lead up to the hotel.

Reaching out to get something, anything to steady myself, I grabbed the arm of the mother of the groom, I have never seen horror like it on a persons face, she pulled back and started shrieking for her husband, “let me go ya maniac” she shouted and started peeling my fingers off her arm, unfortunately my hand slipped and as I began to fall down the 100 plus stairs I ripped the sleeve off her dress!

As my body bounded off every single step, I could see my pals pissing their selves laughing, but to be fair they were bounding down the stairs trying to stop me, but they weren’t quick enough, as I lay there trying no to greet, I could hear shouts off “is that sausage fingers?” “That lassie is a fucking danger”, “is she dead” “does she need mouth to mouth” and the classic from my pal, “ how the fuck did we miss recording that, we could have made £250 quid on you’ve’ been framed”, aye, friends you just got to love them.

My lovely friend is getting married this weekend and I wish her and her husband all the love and happiness in the world, have a wonderful wedding day and please, please, please stay away from any flying food!