Trick or Treat? Treat or Trick? Friday 30 October 2020, Day 230

I am the one hiding under your bed, Teeth ground sharp and eyes glowing red, I am the one hiding under your stairs, Fingers like snakes and spiders in my hair!

Don’t you just hate it when you’ve just poured a glass of wine, ordered your take away, getting comfy on the couch, you hear the door chap, Yaaaasssss, food is here, run to answer it, open it and a group of kids in pimped up bought costumes shriek in unison, “Trick or Treat?”

The phrase trick or treat I‘ve never really got it, so, when the kids say it, I normally reply “ aren’t you a bit young to be turning tricks? Yes, I want a treat so hand over your bag of goodies. After googling it today I learned that the "trick" refers to a threat, usually idle, to perform mischief on the homeowner or their property if no treat is given. So, should it not be treat or trick? Or where I live, gies swedgers or next week you’re getting a banger through your letterbox ya muppet!

Either way it’s a fucking pish saying, what happened to the skye is blue, the grass is green do you want a song for your Halloween?” I’m no saying that is much better but at least you’re getting offered some form of entertainment. Half the kids just look at you as if to say, “do you really expect me to do something for a pound shop own brand mini mars bar and a handful of monkey nuts?” Well I am no asking you to recite Tam O’ Shanter but aye maybe a joke or a rendition of the slosh wouldn’t go amiss.

Like everything these days Halloween has fallen into the commercialism trap, parents mostly buying costumes, neighbours competing to see who can have the spookiest display. I was going by a house the other day and you would honestly think they had been harvesting pumpkins with the amount they had in the garden. All different shapes and sizes with a variety of scary faces cut out.

Being a feartie though I’m glad that the fear factor has diminished over the years, how could anyone possibly be scared of Elsa from Frozen?

I remember one year out guising with my pal we chapped a door turned out it was a group of students who stayed there. Well they made us work for our Halloween, after a dance, a comedy routine and a song, pissing themselves they handed us both a Fray Bentos Steak and Kidney Pie and slammed the door, what the actual… when I took it home my Dad was fucking delighted, by the way who knew Fray Bentos was a real place, until age 36 I just thought it was a pie factory!

When I was young all costumes started with the basic black leotard and black tights, add on some red dots a ladybird, add on some stripes with yellow tape a bumble bee and for maximum effect bend a couple of metal coat hangers rob yer grans net curtains tie them round the hangers and you’ve got wings. If you were brave enough you would steal a sheet from the ottoman cut a couple of holes for the eyes and jobs a good one!

The best had to be getting a box from the local shop painting it black adding white dots and hey presto a die. It was a nightmare though when your pals tried to roll a six, I was flung down Thornwood Drive more times than I want to remember.

Oh and of course there was always a pal whose mum was great at arts and crafts and made a real effort. At a Halloween guide party the girl who stayed up the next close from me came as a bottle of Tomato Ketchup, Heinz no less, the costume made of boxes and crepe paper started from her shoulders down to her ankles she even had a white pillar box hat on for the lid, not only was her costume great I reckoned her family were well off as they could probably afford heinz ketchup. Our family were on the Goldstar sauce 5% tomato, 95% vinegar, fuck did my cheeks sook in when I dipped my crispy pancake in it.

Anyway so the guide leaders could pick a winner we were asked to do a parade round the hall and did ketchup no fall! It was a fucking cracker and she landed face down on the floor.

Even though the 20 plus guides had made a pledge to help other people we just stood their staring watching her twisting and jerking like a landed fish. She couldn’t bend her knees or stick her arms out to get up, so she lay there until two guide leaders slid her out the sauce bottle. The poor lassie was mortified and spent the rest of the night in her black tights and leotard greeting.

As a lesson to us all no one won best costume that night, I would like to say I learned from it, but to this day I still find it really fucking funny when I think about it.

Sadly, the pandemic has kyboshed a lot of Halloween activity, I’m going to miss the left over sweets my team mates bring into work and though I find it a pain in the arse I think I might miss the kids chapping the doors, but then again maybe not.

Happy Halloween.