That’s what it’s all about, Woah! Friday 14 August 2020, Day 149

Stumble out of bed and fall into the kitchen, pour myself a cup of ambition, yawn, stretch, lean back and scratch my arse!

Last week I worked one day in the office, just one day and I was fooking knackered for days after it, I’ve only just recovered. When my alarm went off at the back of six, I nearly had a heart attack. You know when your wee and you get crust in your eyes and you have to prise them open, that’s what I was like, I thought I had went blind during the night!

For the first time since 16 March I was up washed dressed and out the door by 7.15 am it was a total and utter complete shock to my system, I knew it was going to be a struggle so I had laid my stuff out the night before. New wedge sandals that I bought in March but not had on yet, fake jeans (jeggings), breathable top and as I dug in my underwear drawer for pants and a decent bra, I came across a seamless bodysuit shaper you know the ones that you slide yourself into and are designed to instantly give you an hourglass figure, visibly reduce your waistline and back bulge, do they fuck but hey I thought I'll put it on, it might suck in some of that Covid fat.

I hadn’t seen my colleagues for ages so the last thing I wanted was for them to start throwing water over me and calling save the whales. After squeezing myself into it with the aid of a shoehorn I noticed that it had a fastener in the gusset, how did I miss that?

The sandals were a mistake it was pissing down so by the time I got into the office my toes were red raw and bleeding from sliding out and scraping against the ground.

With social distancing the layout of the office was different and when walking in and out you had to keep left, after twenty swipes of my security badge I realised the fob had been moved to the other side of the door. It was going to be a long day!

It was great to be in the office though and pure smashing to catch up with people, so I was feeling hyper, but that kinda went to pot when I went to the loo!

The loos were one in one out, so you had to flick a sign to say occupied or not occupied. They should have four signs,

“I’m free”

“doing a streamie give me a minute”

“doing a jobby, give me ten….wait best make it 20”

and a big fuck off warning….. DON’T BE A SELFISH CUNT AND SPEND TIME FIXING YOUR HAIR OR PUTTING YOUR MAKE UP ON!

I get into the loo unfasten the body shaper it rockets up my body like an out of control roller blind the front gusset nearly takes my fucking eye out and the back gusset was up at my neck.

Trying to get it fastened was a frigging nightmare, standing up, balancing with my knees bent I put one arm between my legs to try and grab the back gusset while my other arm was pulling down the front one. Because of the stupid bloody shoes I kept moving forwards and back.

Let me tell you trying to stretch five inches of material over well a much bigger mass is no mean feat, I would get them about an inch apart and then ping, back to the start, it was like a gym workout.

I must have looked like a horny dog trying to hump someone while repeatedly doing the Hokey Cokey, knees bent, arms stretched, hump, hump, hump!

Eventually I gave up, took it off, hid it behind the sanitary bin and took a mental note to pick it up on the way home, needless to say I forgot. Ah well I’m sure the cleaner has found worse in her time.