Stake out, Friday 31 July 2020, Day 135

I'm on a stakeout, I've got a plan in mind for you, I'm waiting till the time is right!

Get your lucky White Heather, three sprigs for a pound!

With lock down I’ve not been driving much these days, so I was very surprised and frigging bealing out my nut two weeks ago when I noticed one of my tyres was flat. A tyre I might add that I only got on 4 May that blew while I was driving along London Road after picking up my new laptop from the office, and the same tyre that I only replaced on 9 March that blew as I was driving along the Broomielaw going to work. I am not sure if someone is trying to tell me to stay away from the office or if I should write to the council about the state of the roads.

Listen I know I apply my breaks late, take corners like James Hunt and bump the kerb at times, but apart from one of my Aunts no-one has ever really said I was a looney driver so the tyres blowing can’t all be down to me, can it?

Tuesday, I popped along to the Garage they checked the tyre and there was a big dirty nail right through it, could it be repaired, could it fuck… 83 quid just like that. So, since 9 March I’ve spent £224.80 on tyres, and I’ve only driven about 75 miles.

At my team catch up I was having a moan and one of my workmates said, “ you upset one of your neighbours?” “Who me, innocent little me, naw I pretty much keep myself to myself”….. but it did get me thinking what if a neighbour did have a problem with me and this was their way of sending a message, a what’s app would do the job, but they must be a feartie.

I tell you what though if someone was deliberately sabotaging my tyres, I planned on catching them! In true A team style, I lit a cigar and through squinting eyes documented a plan of action.

Saturday, I bought grey camouflage gear as near in colour to my car seats as possible, a flask, a she- wee and five family packets of skittles. That’s about 1200 skittles, I meticulously painted the skittles grey and added some white flecks for a road effect. It took me blinking ages, but I knew it would be worth it.

At around 7.30 pm I nipped out to my car and in a nonchalant manner I walked round it dropping handfuls of the skittles as I went. Satisfied and laughing like Dick Dastardly I slipped into the house and applauded my watertight plan.

I planned on doing a stake out and if any yellow belly saboteur approached my car they would skid on my cunningly disguised skittles, deck it and then I’ll jump out and Malky the bastard!

I dressed in my camouflage gear (I went commando, I figured it would be easier to manage the she-wee) filled up my flask with coffee and a wee dash of brandy and headed out to begin my stake out.

Two hours in I had drank all the coffee and used the she-wee 4 times, my boredom level was higher than seeing FB posts of dinners and in the old day’s “oh look at me I’m in the gym pictures, just being here has developed my sparkling eyes, my clear complexion, my trout lips and my six pack ” nae filters there, get tae fuck!

Four hours later I woke up disorientated, stiff and my face covered in dried slabbers, stuff this for a game of soldiers , I give up.

Of course, fannybaws me forgot about the skittles I was like Bambi on ice but not as cute. As my legs splayed and I landed face first on the road that old boot Mary Anderson went by laughing and I heard her say “don’t you just love it when a plan comes together”.