Say cheese, Friday 29 May 2020, Day 72

Girls on film (two minutes later), Girls on film, (got your picture), Girls on film!

Its day 1 of phase 1, and it’s the weekend, Ya wee beauty! I am soo excited I could crush a grape while jumping off a dolls house!

I hope everyone behaves and doesn’t go fucking mental otherwise Nicola will have us back indoors toot sweet!

Nearly 2 and a half months working from home, not seeing family and friends, you couldn’t make it up, out-with a few earthquakes and seeing Bruce Willis dressed in a space suit it does feel like a movie, well to me anyway.

One of the things that has really kept me going is still being able to work otherwise, I would be even more of a basket case and have no doubt that by now I would be rocking on the spot, poking myself in the eye repeating over and over again, where’s my super noodles, where’s my super noodles!

I have great workmates and friends and I really do miss seeing them and although technology can never replace popping by someone’s desk for a chat, especially when you get the afternoon slump, there’s no cake and the first aid room is occupied so you canny get a quick kip, having MS teams to video call and have meetings for me has been a pure magic lifeline.

But is does have its disadvantages, spontaneity has been lost, though I have made and received calls everything is pre-planned in calendars, I can’t remember the last time I just called someone and said, “hey how you doing?” not joey Tribbiani style I couldn’t pull that off, and I haven’t received a random call from someone. Why is that, am I worried they won’t want to speak to me? They probably don’t but what the hell, next week I am going to make some random phone calls.

Some people use headphones and some don’t, I use them as they give me focus and I can clearly hear what others are saying, there is nothing worse having a meeting with someone who doesn’t use headphones and they keep moving their head from side to side. Get frigging headphones or stay still ya bass!

After four weeks someone told me that the noise, I make sucking water from my bottle sounded like a four year old sucking up a milkshake, nice, so now I put myself on mute for a drink but really that must have been grose for people.

You get people that just can’t get the camera angle right, so far I’ve seen way too much nose hair, I looked at the top of someone’s head for an hour and stared into the eye of someone for 10 mins solid, let me tell you that was fucking freaky and I still have nightmares!

Then you get the people who forget they’re on camera they pick their nose, they piss off and watch the TV for 10 mins, they piss off for a piss and come back into view “fixing themselves”.

The best though are the people who forget to put themselves on mute and you can hear them shouting at the weans “I told you I’m working, now will you just get tae fuck, and please, please, please, I’m begging you give me a break” Then they pop back on “sorry just helping Zak with his mathematics”

Have you ever wondered if any of your colleagues have been subject to the tic tok naked challenge? Have you done it? I bet some of you have, I would!

When the signal is rubbish, it’s a fucking scream hearing people talking like Max Headroom, and what, and what, and what, and what, dooooooooooooo, yoooooouuuuu, thi, thi, thi, ooooofffff, theeeeeeee.

A real downside of video calling is when the screen freezes, you can be the most beautiful looking person in the world but see when that screen freezes your face morphs into a constipated Sylvester Stallone having a stroke, it's no pleasant.

But the ultimate downside of video calling is when one of your workmates takes your pic mid freeze and sends it to you.

Did I really say I missed them?