Potty Training, Wednesday 27 May 2020 Day 70

Ooh aah just a little bit….

Do you have any idea how difficult it is to peel off a pair of pee soaked skinny jeans? Neither did I, and it’s not something I want to repeat.

A few weeks after the peeing night I came down with a very bad cough and chest infection, I was prescribed antibiotics and signed off work, just as well I was as I could not control my bladder one tiny bit. Running out of clean clothes I admitted defeat and headed to Tesco to check out the Tena’s.

I didn’t know where to start they had minis, discreet, lights, normal, super, maxi, maxi extra plus and what are you a fucking elephant! That was just the woman’s the men’s choice was as large and confusing. It must be a pure head fuck, if you don’t identify with a gender!

Handy hint for the guys, if you’ve been a prick and think your other half is gonna boot your balls get a Tena man on it will soften the blow, you can thank me later.

I decided on the maxi plus, four quid for a pack of twelve, nearly 33p to spend a penny! When I get home and open the pack, the quote “we’re gonna need a bigger boat” from jaws pops in my head. I am gonna need bigger kickers, the thing is bloody massive a family of four could use it as a hammock.

The pad can hold 710ml of liquid that’s 1.2 pints, can you even imagine walking about with the equivalent of a pint between your legs? I nipped online and ordered MASSIVE pants and a pair of braces to hold them up. When I was young, I had a pair of red braces with the words Rock on Tommy on them and my sister dyed them black so she could wear them, I was gutted when I found out.

After a week, I was skint, walked like a cowboy and had what I can only describe as nappy rash, I went to the doctors who arranged for me to go on a 12-week bladder training

programme.

First Appointment, Easterhouse Health Centre, well turns out it wasn’t just me at the first appointment there was four other women, when I walked in, all I could hear was, “my bladder has no been the same since I had Chantelle, she was my seventh you know, “ aye doll I wiz the same see after I had the twins Chardonnay and Chambord my bladder was shot to shit, “aye well my Daz was 13lb 5oz, see during the birth my man was pure geeing it, you can do it hen, come oan push, it canny be that hard.. he wisney saying that when I got home and opened a golf umbrella up his arse, fuckin wank!

How many weans you got doll? Who me I don’t have any… Cue the tumbleweed, I was sure I heard someone call me a slut under their breath!

We endured a 1 hour 30 min power point presentation on how the bladder works it was supposed to be 45 mins but the nurse kept having to stop so people could go for a pee. We left with a chart and were told to record the number of times we peed and the volume over three days.

For three days I peed in a jug measured it and recorded the results, on day two my workmate said where are you keeping all the pee? Aww man I was in stitches “I’m pouring it away ya maniac”

The next appointment was one to one thank fuck, I could not bear any more stories of Chardonnay and Chambord, I had to complete a questionnaire with the nurse and hand in my records. There was about one hunner questions, and I am no kidding the nurse whispered the word situation.

Q. What impact does this “situation” have on your life?

A. I pee my pants, canny watch a movie the whole way through blah blah blah blah

Q. What impact does this “situation” have on you at work?

A. I pee my pants, need to leave meetings blah blah blah blah

Q. Do you leak when you exercise?

A. No I gush.

Q. Do you pee when you reach orgasm

A. Yes

Q. Does this affect your sex life with your partner?

A. No I told him it was female ejaculation and he thinks I am a fucking porn star!

Turns out I was peeing roughly 23 times a day about 15 times more than the average person. Apparently, it’s my parents, fault, all those times they told me to go for a pee when I never needed one, but I still had to squeeze one out has caused havoc with my bladder.

Yea me and every other child in the world!!

Eventually I was given the programme that would re-train my bladder in twelve weeks:

· Download the NHS Squeezy app, do the exercises daily this will strengthen your pelvic muscles. - £2.99 for the app! I know I am a tight bastard and it’s no a lot of money but I’m saving them a fortune by no getting Tena’s prescribed.

· If you're feeling a strong need to go, try the following methods, this will help train your brain to delay the signal to your bladder.

Repeat a mantra – is it not recommend repeating Oh Mammy, Daddy I am gonna pee my knickers!

Count backwards from 100 to 1 – this is so hard, I kept getting distracted at 69!

Reposition your body so you aren’t pressing on your bladder – DO NOT HOLD YOUR FLOWER

Remove any liquids from sight – Not achievable too much wine at home, just closed my eyes.

When you just can't hold it any longer, use the bathroom, - Aye top Tip that, use the bathroom!

Twelve weeks later I realised that it’s good to talk pish and although I can’t quite fire a ping pong out my fanny, I can hold my pee in, well maybe apart from just a little bit.