Office Ready, Tuesday 5 April 2022, Day 749

Oh, the Deadwood Stage is a-rollin' on over the plains, With the curtains flappin' and the driver, slappin' the reins, a beautiful sky, a wonderful day. Whip crack-away, whip crack-away, whip crack-away

I started a new training regime last week, and I am really struggling with it already, there’s been days I’ve felt filled with despair and had to hold back the tears. The constant debate in my wee heid should I, should I not throw in the towel is giving me migraines. To increase my mental capacity, I’ve been watching the training montage clip from Rocky, but I always end up pure greeting when he gets to the top of those stairs. I really must look for a different clip.

So, what am I training for? Climbing Mount Everest? Naw… A triathlon? Naw…. An expedition to the North Pole? Naw…… it’s even more intense than them. After two years of working from home I am returning to the office two days a week on a hybrid model.

I canny wait to meet up with workmates, the excitement of taking a route to work that’s not via the kitchen, “Welcome onboard and thanks for travelling on the 07.35 Malky Service, today we are stopping at the bedroom, the loo and our final stop, the kitchen, the route is clear so all going well we will get you to your destination safely, ETA 3 mins, have a nice day!” Get that tae fuck!

What’s gonna be really weird is seeing work mates’ legs, I’ve almost forgotten they have them, I had a dream the other night they came into work, and they had all morphed into weebles, rolling all over the place as if they were pished, I spent most of the day picking them off the floor and putting them back on their chairs, I never got any fucking work done!

Although I am really looking forward to going into the office I must admit the panic set in big time, because I have turned fucking feral, the habits I have developed are shocking. Six weeks into working from home I let loose and farted whenever I wanted, it was easy to stick the laptop on mute and let one rip (so if you ever saw me on screen moving to the side, yes I was farting) I even began congratulating myself when it was a right good one, I'd slap my leg in achievement and yell out loud “whip crack away” by ten weeks I could fart out the whole of the Deadwood Stage, my parents would be so proud.

Then there’s the burps, I have to say the best burps follow after alphabetti spaghetti on toast, they are legendary, you can taste it for days. There is nothing more satisfying than balancing my plate on my tummy table and spelling my name out on my toast before I dive in, then doing a burp rap. “My name is Malky, I love alphabetti, my burps stink, and now I canny think, so canny do any work.” Never gonna win a Grammy but it amuses me.

Then there’s the whole clothes issue, I can honestly swear on the brownie guide law that I have never had my jammies on during a MS teams meeting, can I honestly swear on the brownie guide law that I have never had a meeting with nowt on below…. I’ll let you decide on that one 😚

Some of the clothes I wear are completely washed out, small stains and more baubles than George Squares Christmas tree. I get three days out a pair of leggings, I give them the crotch sniff touch test and if they are April aye ok October fresh and no crispy ach what the hell, they are good for another day. I’ve also developed a serious addiction to baggy hoodies.

What is that all about, I wouldn’t rock up to the office with a hoodie, stained clothes and on the verge of smelling like nana salmon pants so why do I do it. I fool myself into thinking its to save the planet by doing less washings and not buying new clothes, in reality I have turned into a slob and I’m too tight to buy new clothes when no one really sees me. Sometimes I think if I shoved a bit of coal up my arse it would come out a diamond.

So, with the return to the office approaching, I had to take stock and implement a training plan to get me from slob to office ready.

Training Plan

For the next two weeks bin one item of stained clothing per day. DO NOT TAKE ANYTHING BACK OUT THE BIN! – Update, BURN an item a day so there is no taking it back!

Wean off hoodie, wear for 12 hours, remove for 1 hour, wear for 11 hours, remove for two, wear for 10 hours, remove for three and so on until hoodie free. Do not wear it to bed!

Stop using tummy as a table. Develop the habit of using a table for eating lunch, extra note to self, use a plate don’t just empty food onto table and snort it up!

If anticipating a fart – squeeze bum, count to ten until it passes. If fart is determined to come out rehearse severe coughing fit as anyone around will naturally move away.

Swap alphabetti spaghetti for beans…… needless to say, that didn’t fucking work!

I know if I dig down, I will find the mental capacity to do this so I will keep working at it but in the meantime, to all my co-workers if you see my face turning blue, get your masks at the ready!