Not tonight darling I really do have a sore heid! Thursday 11th February 2021, Day 332

Like Harrison Ford, I'm getting frantic, Like Sting, I'm tantric, Like Snickers, guaranteed to satisfy!

After getting into a state of hyper ventilation and a full body cramp trying to put my socks on, I knew I had to make a lifestyle change, so early January I joined the jiggly joggers virtual couch to 5K group with my new friend Jennifer. Yes, I have a new friend, can you believe it? I canny, I did wonder if she was a bit snooker loopy and I got a bit freaked out about the whole single white female thing, but she’s a lovely girl, great chat and keeps me motivated to run.

The past few years I’ve only ran for the ice cream van or from a randy pensioner, so I’m amazed to be on week five and still enjoying it, but it gets tough this week, I need to run for twenty minutes. I haven’t been able to mentally focus on anything for that long, never mind physically!

Then the other day out running I got a right sore head (probably the wine from the night before) but I thought aww fuck, …… because this one time I was training for a half marathon at the same time as running in my works annual team race. The Wednesday lunchtime before the half marathon I’m on the Clydeside doing time trials with my jog buddies we’re laughing, joking, spurring each other on and checking out the competition. As I walk up to the starting line, I’m fucking buzzing, the adrenaline is pumping and I can hear “Goooooooo, Malky run, you are gonna tan your last time”.

Mags our fabulous jog leader brings the flag down and I was off. I bombed it along the side of the river and as I turned onto the bridge I was flying, my arms and legs were pumping and I felt like wonder woman, in fact I was wonder woman. As I ran past people, I held up my wrists and made Pow, Pow, noises (whit a total fanny). Halfway across the bridge everything went blurry, into slow motion and a searing pain shot up the back of my neck to my head, and I decked it!

The pain in my head was like an ice cream brain freeze times 300 million trillion to affinity and never the fuck coming back again. I couldn’t feel my arms, legs and my heart was going like the clappers. A lovely wee woman asked if I was ok and I suddenly developed Tourette’s, to this day I still feel guilty about what I said to her.

Mags took me to A&E, and was great at keeping me calm, triage identified that my heart rate and blood pressure was seriously high, and I was to be kept in for observation, I tell you I was scared I’d never been in hospital in fact I’d never really been ill, even when my brother and sister got measles and chicken pox, I never caught it, but I was blessed with the scabies (says a lot eh).

My other half (at the time) arrived, and I said goodbye to Mags. Five hours in, I still had mega brain freeze, I was starving and so cold, I’d sent the other half home under the pretence that the dog needed a walk but really, he was being a useless prick and was annoying the fuck out of me. I'd asked him to get me a magazine and he came back with Men's Health, really WTAF!

Eventually I went to a ward and they slipped me into one of those gowns you know one your arse hangs out, so I really warmed up. Worried I had a bleed on the brain or meningitis, I was sent for an X-ray but had to get a pregnancy test. For someone who pees a lot, trying to pee on demand is a pure pressure and I couldn’t squeeze cause it made my head worse. I wasn't.

X-ray done I got back to the ward about 8.30pm just as the auxiliary was doing her tea and toast rounds. As she handed me a cuppa and one slice of toast, I looked up at her with tears in my eyes “please ma'am can I have some more?” “Aye well if there is any left after I do the wards, I’ll come back” did she fuck come back, so I snuck down to the shop, arse hanging out, but I couldn't give a toss.

Supplies in my arms I got back to the ward to find the sister standing at my bed, one hand on hip she deservedly read me the riot act for leaving the ward and my supplies were taken off me! Greeting I fell asleep only to be woken on the hour every hour by the sister shining a torch in my eyes “ please, please, please I’m sorry I’ll never leave my bed again, you can have my wotsits ”. I felt like a right fud when they told me they were regularly checking my signs for meningitis, and not torturing me for leaving the ward.

By the morning, my brain freeze had thawed and when my breakfast arrived, I inhaled it, when they told me I was going for a lumber puncture I vomited it back up.

In the afternoon, the other half arrives with a woman’s own, about 4 pm the doctor came to see me, a right dour faced bugger. “Miss Malcolm, we have run a number of tests and have ruled out any serious conditions, although we have been unable to exactly diagnose what happened we believe it has been a severe rush of blood to your brain. Now don’t worry this can be quite common in runners who go off too fast, I also have to say its very common for those who experience tantric orgasms. Before we send you home, have you any questions?

Mmmmmm, “Thanks doctor, I understand but if you can explain to my other half what an orgasm is I would be extremely grateful oh and can I get my wotsits back?