Mork calling Malky, come in Malky, Monday 5 October 2020, Day 201.

Till it's over and then, Shh shh, it’s nice and quiet, Shh shh, but soon again, Shh shh, starts another big riot!

Someone said to me recently “ you’ve been awfy quiet these days Malky, what’s going on” and I thought no I fucking haven’t, I’ve just no been talking to you, gie me peace!

But when I thought about it, I realised I have been quiet, the new normal has been catching up with me and I was getting into a new normal everyday boring routine. I just hate those words “new normal” when are we gonna stop calling the new normal the new normal and just call it life!

It’s like wishing people a Happy New year there should be a cut off of 2 January. You spend the first few days saying “happy new year, I hope you have a good one” “aye thanks it canny be worse than the last” and if you canny get away fast enough you’re subject to a torrent of verbal pish about how shit someone’s year was…. Then you get back to work and you have to listen to it all again, then again the next week when anyone who can’t’ handle a three-day hangover comes back. Last year someone wished me Happy New year in February it confused the fuck out of me. Can you even begin to imagine what it is going to be like this New Year!

So anyway, about eight weeks ago I stopped stalking the neighbours, well less than I used to ,started going out a bit more, visiting folks, restaurants a pub and even went to the cinema a few times. I went camping with the belters and attended a virtual family wedding, I’ll tell you about them soon.

Wearing a face mask was a pain and did take me a while getting used to it but has become a wardrobe staple, but it’s more of a pain when I forget it and like a kid I tie the sleeves of my coat around my face. Secretly I don’t mind doing that, it turns the coat into a cape, and I can pretend to be a superhero for a while.

You know it’s funny until recently I use to cough to cover a fart and these days, I fart to cover a cough. Does anyone else, when you cough feel under pressure to talk shit and say something like “Don’t worry, smokers cough, (punching chest with pride) 40 Capstan a day for 43 years, aye started when I was 4” or maybe it’s just me!

One thing that became very apparent to me and I don’t know if it’s a result of lockdown or age but my patience levels with other people have dropped and not just a teeny tiny bit but a big fuck off get out my way bit.

I was in Tesco recently and this couple were picking onions and not only were they taking friggin ages they were picking up each onion and examining it in detail. In times gone by I would happily stand and wait but my blood was boiling, and I started to rock back and forth on my heels mumbling like a looney “it’s a fucking onion”

So when a wummin behind me said “you waiting to get into the onions hen” well I nearly fucking exploded, I leant over to the couple and in my best tough voice (which is shite) and crazy starey eyes I said “you buying an onion to cook and eat or you buying an onion to polish into a glitterball and sit on your sideboard, either way I suggest you pick it quickly” more crazy starey eyes. Then I dropped my basket on the floor and got the fuck out the place before I got my heid kicked in.

An extra plus point to wearing a mask is it’s much harder to identify all the cheeky bastards, thank fuck!