Mirror, Mirror, get off the wall, Friday 10 July 2020, Day 114

My mirror staring back at me, I couldn't get any bigger

Last week the sun was splitting through my kitchen window, out of the corner of my eye I caught a glimpse of what I can only describe as a hunchback ogre like creature sliding along the wall. Sensing potential danger, I froze but clocked the glass bottle of ginger on the worktop, keeping an eye on the ogre I slowly began to tip toe across the kitchen to get the ginger I always get a really dry mouth when I’m scared.

The creature also started to tip toe, I stopped, it stopped, I moved two steps, it moved two steps, I did the hucklebuck, it did the hucklebuck. Bastard, coming in here taking the piss and trying to scare the bejesus out of me.

Forgetting my thirst I lunged for the ginger bottle grabbed it, ran towards the creature and hurled the bottle at it, as the ginger ran down the wall and the glass smashed on the lino, I realised the creature was my shadow, how the heck had I become such a terrible shape, and why haven’t I really noticed. Not having a full length or even a half-length mirror, probably doesn’t help. I do have a mirror on my bathroom cabinet so I can at least see my face.

I’ve not consciously not had a decent mirror it’s just something I’ve never had. In my thinner days if my clothes felt comfortable then I was good to go. These days if my clothes don’t restrict my breathing then I am good to go.

So, I bought a free-standing full-length mirror, with a wine and a wham bar for dutch courage, I closed the blinds stripped off and revealed myself to myself. Ta Da, what the actual fuck, I look like a pork link sausage with the skin burst, bits of fat and skin poking out here there and everywhere, it was nearly enough to turn me veggie.

Greeting I flung a sheet over the mirror and had a short pity party, but I had to face reality so I gave myself a pep talk, come on Malky grow a pair, suck it up, you are what you are, all the usual pish talk.

With confidence I pulled the sheet off and the whole fucking mirror crashed to the floor, ach well only another seven years more bad luck!