Tongs ya bass, Friday 27 March 2020, day 9.

Woke up this morning feeling fine, so that’s a bonus!

Stumbled out of bed bleary eyed, shuffled my way to the toilet, got my foot caught in a pair of tights that I had left on the floor from making my balaclava the night before, took a dive into the toilet door, grabbed the door handle to steady myself but still went down on my knees, tried to stand up but my jammie bottoms got stuck under my heel so managed to pull them down and reveal my big erse to NO-ONE!

I know movies are not real life, but you know when you see people getting served breakfast in bed and to show their appreciation for brekkie they have a smooch. All of that before they have even been for a pee, how is that even humanly possible as soon as I wake up my first port of call is the loo.

I need to re-think the balaclava idea I was trying on a sample that I had finished, I looked pretty good in it even if I say so myself, but I made a fatal mistake. I took my rubbish out just before the great British menu started which of course was when the nation was applauding the NHS workers, my whole street saw me so I canny go about pressing my face to windows.

I saw comments on a book called The Invisible Woman from a woman's network today.

“so far it's been really revealing and interesting in terms of all the we do and have done in the past that's gendered without many of us realising it. E.g. emoji use. That one was really interesting as, while I know they've evolved to represent more skin colours, I didn't realise they had a gender-related story behind them too. Hope that's enough of a teaser to get you started on it! :P” eh no!

“That does sound really interesting! I'm finishing 'The Testaments' just now, so I'll go on to that next. Thank you :D (non-gendered emoji)” - Aye right.. I bet she thinks it sounds peesh but wants to be seen as a #strongindependentwoman

I’ll be sticking to reading Josie Brown’s, The Housewife Assassins series

Heard that Boris and Matt have COVID-19, it has crossed my mind that they might no have it but saying they have as a stunt to drive home the seriousness of the situation. Or maybe they have no been washing their hands BOGGING BASTARDS!

I also heard that some people are using COVID -19 as a threat, what the actual F***

Let’s set the scene, Lidl, Tollcross Road, 10.37 am (out-with key worker shopping times), max two customers at any one time.

Auld Dear tooled up with a walking stick, A Middle Age Man masked up nae tools

As the KEY retail worker places the last Macaroni Pie on the shelf, an eerie silence descends throughout the store, the two customers freeze, like meercats they leer over the aisles sniffing out the pie. Their eyes meet, the atmosphere thickens, and the race begins.

With no care for the jars of pickled walnuts that are still available for purchase they knock over shelves and crash into freezer cabinets. Cunningly the Auld Dear knocks over a full mop bucket and sniggers under her collar as the Middle aged man slides, but its to his advantage the shiny material of his shell suit carries him to the end of the Aisle and he is in reaching distance of the pie, sensing danger the KEY retail assistant (snowflake) runs and hides in the empty stockroom.

The Auld Dear reaches out with her walking stick and flicks the pie of the shelf, as her and the man dive for the pie a rogue customer comes by picks up the pie, leans in to the Auld Dear and Man and Says “hand aff the fooking pie or I’ll cough on you ya c****”

Working like a tag team the masked man gets the rogue customer in a head lock while the Auld Dear kneecaps him with her walking stick, As the rouge customer falls to the floor the man opens the pie package and halves the pie with the Auld Dear as he is masked up he gies her a hug.

There is no moral to this story.

Manten la calma y lavate las manos, Hasta Luego mis amigas XX