Fuck up in communication Tuesday 28 April 2020, Day 41

My over-bite clenched, set in place, like a stack of polished, bright white dinner plates hand in my pocket, straight jacket mind, yeah, It's gettin' easy.

I got a message off a friend last night asking me if I had square dinner plates, in normal circumstances I would have replied and said no, but given I am going through withdrawal symptoms from Glasgow Green I felt a tad irked. I sat for five minutes to gather myself and started questioning my friendship, do I mean nothing to them, do they even know me at all, don’t they remember all the dinners we have shared over the years.

If they did, they would NOT ask me if I had square plates, I like a nice plain white round plate with a small rim that stops me peeing the floor and the gravy running off. Not a square plate, or a plate shaped like a fish, or a blinking breadboard that’s got more slashes in it than a Freddy Kruger Victim and certainly not a bit of slate, if I wanted to eat my dinner off a slate, I’d climb on to my fecking roof and eat my dinner up there.

And what’s the trend about serving your dinner in small quirky individual dishes so instead of one plate, you have one plate with a mini chip frying basket on it, an oval dish for your steak pie and a mini our willie bucket for your peas! I worked in hospitality for 12 years and I can tell you it’s hard enough clearing a table without having to balance an extra three quirky pots and the poor kitchen porters have got triple the number of dishes to wash. It must cost the restaurants a fortune as everybody steals them, now don’t deny it I’ve seen those wee fryers in some of your houses and I know you never got them out the Betterwear catalogue

Of course, by now I was in a bit of a Huff so I msg my pal.

Malky (Needy Bastard) – Do you not know me at all?

Pal – Sorry ?

Malky (Needy Bastard) – You asked me if I had Square plates and you know I hate them, does our friendship mean nothing to you?

Nearly ex Pal – Are you all right ?

Malky (Needy Bastard) – Don’t try and change the subject, WHY DID YOU ASK ME FOR SQUARE PLATES?

Nearly ex Pal – Eh I think you should read that again I said SPARE plates and if you took the time to read my next msg you will see I was re-arranging my cupboards and dropped my plates moving them so wanted to borrow a couple until my new ones are delivered!

Malky (Needy Bastard) - oh sorry, will leave them at your back door, love you, xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx