Will you just shut the fuck up, Tuesday 21 April 2020, Day 34

Get up in the morning ride the bus. Get up in the morning like the rest of us. Places to go, important people to meet. Better not get up or you might lose your seat.

That sounds nice and serene, the reality is more like….

The Venga bus is comin' and everybody's jumpin New York through San Fransisco. An interstate free disco, the wheels of steel are turnin' and traffic lights are burnin’. So, if you like to party, get on and move your body.

Most days I drive into work, mainly for convenience but also because I would need to get the bus and.....

I cannot stand listening to other people’s phone conversations and of course these days it as extended to video chats. When there are weans on the video chats OMG! All you hear is “Are you gonna wave to your Aunty June, come on stop pretending your shy, come on, sorry June he’s tired today, come on wave, remember your Aunty June got you that lovely Christmas present and it will be your birthday soon, so I think she deserves a wave, or a wee kiss, no no, no, NO! The mum whispers to Aunty June, as if the wean canny hear, He’s turning into an ignorant prick like his da, don’t get him anything for his birthday!

I cannot stand listening to other people playing you tube clips or the latest episode of Killing Eve on their phone WITHOUT earphones in. This really disturbs me, why the heck would you sit on public transport and watch something as if you were in your own house and everyone on the bus was in your living room on your couch? I don’t want to hear it and I defo don’t want a Spoiler Alert plus it really puts me off practising my Spanish WITH earphones in.

They should give away free earphones on the bus like what they do with planes,

Talking about planes and earphones when I was 18, me and my cousin Maureen age 20 were luckily enough to visit My Aunty Laura in Singapore, aww man we were pure gallus, free beer on the plane, free airline playing cards, free food, free toiletries you name it we took it. So after a few beers we settled down to watch some films, as we were getting off the plane I said to Maureen “ I didn’t know you could speak French” “I canny” she replied “Well how did you understand the movies” I said “ what you talking about? They were in English” she burst out laughing and then said, “don’t tell me you never changed the language channel?” Well no I didn’t I never knew you could, so I spent over 13 hours on a plane watching movies in French and I didn’t even speak it. I didn’t feel so gallus after that.

I cannot stand it when someone gets on the bus with a pram, resulting in everybody shuffling and moving seats and then gets off at the next stop. Lazy Bastards enough said!

I cannot stand it when everybody standing congregates at the front of the bus, and ignores the driver’s pleas to “move down the bus, there’s plenty of room at the back” We all know the back of the bus reeks of pee but come on move back and just open a window.

The one thing that really, really, really annoys me is when the woman in front or to the side, starts brushing her hair, putting her make up on and spraying her perfume. You don’t see men pulling out an electric razor or a disposable one and their pre prepared shaving bowl, then splashing on a dab of Hi-Karate! Please, please stop swishing your hair in my face and elbowing me when you are putting your mascara on and oh you looked better when you got on!

These things can happen on trains but if we are going to be honest, we all know there is a higher class of nutter on the bus.

The main thing that annoys me about most of this is that people don’t just seem to respect their own privacy and others and tell it all for all to hear. I admit I am a wee weirdo, (Stop nodding your heads) I don’t like speaking on a personal phone call when I am in front of anyone, because it’s personal. I always take off my name tag for work off so I can’t be identified in the street.

Even buying something in the shops has turned into a privacy invasion firstly they ask for your email address so they can send a receipt, doo wan mate, then they get pushy and ask for your postcode and house number. Aye right so I am going to tell you and every other person in the queue who’s listening my email, postcode and house number oh wait why don’t I fling in my mobile number, date of birth, bra size and here take a blood sample while I am here. Just give me my receipt and good luck building my shopping profile!

On a recent bus journey, me and everyone else found out that Brian Murphy, who lives in the close next to the One o One on Tollcross Road, wife left him for another woman, he’s devastated but the family are not surprised and always knew there was something about her they just didn’t like, his maw always had a gut feeling that she batted for the other side as she always kept her hair short.

All heads turned towards me, the woman sitting beside me edged closer to the window as if I was gonna try and slip the hand. To make her more uncomfortable I leaned in close and whispered “you’re no my type hen, get over yerself”