I just want macaroni, Thursday 9 April 2020, Day 22

I've got a hundred dollars and a mattress on the floor, I could make you macaroni, we could eat it on the porch, I'll play you a song on a guitar I can't afford, I'd be with you for better, I'd be with you for poor.

I would sleep on a mattress on a floor for Macaroni, in fact I would do a lot more. I love macaroni and anyone who doesn’t is just an out and out pure weirdo. What is there not to like, its comforting, filling, cheap, oozing with cheese and truly, truly scrumptious. Pure magic on a plate.

The pleasure in sliding a fork into a hot steaming plate of macaroni and cheese is unmeasurable, even Jeremy Bentham could not measure my pleasure using the felicific calculus. Check me pure name dropping an English philosopher!

Such is the popularity of mac and cheese it has its own porn sites no kidding, people upload macaroni and cheese pics for others to ogle at, some people go a bit further, not me obviously, I just came across these sites by accident, after viewing them in detail I reported them to the police.

For my 40th my pal Yvonne made me 4 portions of macaroni for my freezer, best present ever.

Now just to clarify - Macaroni are dry pasta shaped like narrow tubes, macaroni is commonly cut in short lengths, curved macaroni may be referred to as elbow macaroni.

Hence the name macaroni and cheese. Not penne and cheese, not fusilli and cheese, not rigatoni and cheese, not tortiglioni and cheese and not for fuck sake, perish the thought, I need mouth to mouth, gonna give me a paper bag to breathe into, farfalle and cheese.

I know when my pal Caroline Douglas reads this, she will be nodding her head like crazy pointing at the screen, screaming fucking tell them Malky, get them telt!

So, don’t you just hate it when you go out for lunch, you look at the menu see mac and cheese, you get that feeling of warmth, comfort and excitement.

The waiter comes over

Waiter – Welcome, are you ready to order your food, what can I get you?

Malky – Well you can start by taking a drink order, so I’m no sitting here gasping, nearly choking, like I’ve been in the Sahara for years. Two Pints Prick! (a pet hate of mine). I would like the mac and cheese please, can I just ask what kind of pasta it is please?

Waiter – Its macaroni and cheese

Malky – Yes thanks (ok fair enough I wasn’t clear) but can you tell me what shape the pasta is?

Waiter – Errmmm it’s like errmmm about that size (uses his thumb and index finger to estimate size)

Malky – yes well had I wanted to know the size of your willie I would have asked that, clearly that was inside my head only! Sorry I am not being clear can you confirm that the shape of the pasta for example (takes phone out of bag and brings up picture showing different types of pasta) is macaroni as per this picture.

Waiter – ffs

Malky – did you just say ffs?

Waiter – No, I’ll just go and check with the chef, won’t be a moment… storms into kitchen – Boaby, whit shape is the macaroni, I mean whit shape is the pasta used in the macaroni

BOABY – Are you on drugs?

Waiter – Naw, just effing tell me what shape the pasta is

BOABY – It’s Penne

Waiter – Sorry for the delay the chef has confirmed its Penne

Malky – Thanks, I’ll have the fish and chips

Don’t even get me started on the ponsy so called gourmet Macaroni and Cheeses that are out there,

Classic Mac with haggis or veg haggis (V) & spring onion

Classic Mac with Caramelised onion & mushroom

Get them tae fooking France, keep it simple, all you need to serve it with is a couple of slices of plain bread toasted, job done, sorted, get tore in.

Enjoy