Don’t try and blackmail me ya prick, Friday 17 April 2020, Day 30

Let’s talk about sex baby.

In fact, let’s not, and not because it might have me reaching for Tam Hughes’s phone number but because my big brother reads this nonsense and likes to believe I am “touched” only in the head and nowhere else. There is a picture of my big brother modelling the latest style in protective wear, his daughter, a trained nurse was on hand to provide mouth to mouth in the event he collapsed from heat exhaustion.

We all get random spam email but when I saw the one that I received yesterday, I really did shit it big time, the heart rate monitor on my Honor band 5 went off the scale and kept frigging vibrating which didn’t help. I read it about 20 times while breathing into a paper bag before I started to calm down. Everything was going around my head, was I being targeted because of my email address? I only went for that as Minnie was already taken, were the neighbours pissed off cause of my car party, of for my weekly fire alarm test? Maybe I should consider doing the test during the day rather than during the night.

I had a wee bevvy to steady my nerves and thought fuck it, I’m replying, I’m bored, I’ve got all the time in the world and let’s face it nothing to lose.

This was the genuine email I received my response is in red and oh there are a few sweary words.

To malkytheminx@hotmail.co.uk

From Jimsmith@outlook.com Really, Jim Smith I don’t bloody think that’s your name, could you not come up with something a bit more original, have you no imagination?

It seems that, malky90, is your password. Is it fuck, its Iamafandan69! Get it right ya prick!

I need your total attention for the upcoming 24 hours, or I will certainly make sure you that you live out of embarrassment for the rest of your life span. Firstly, 24 hours is a lot to ask for someone’s full attention, did you know that according to a recent study carried out by Microsoft the average adult has an attention span of 8 seconds, yes 8 seconds so for future emails you should try and be more realistic. Secondly, I already live my life in a state of embarrassment in the last fortnight alone I’ve squashed my naked bosoms against a window pane, belly crawled through my hallway and burnt my moustache off with a lit cigarette and that’s just the stuff I’ve told folks about. I am disappointed in the level of research you carried out on me.

Hello, you do not know me personally. But I know just about everything concerning you. All of your facebook contact list, mobile phone contacts as well as all the digital activity in your computer from previous 197 days. You should never start the second paragraph of your email with hello this should be at the very beginning of the email. The whole neighbourhood knows about me so what’s your point. Ooooohh that’s impressive how did you get that? And this includes, your masturbation video clips, which brings me to the main reason why I am writing this particular e-mail to you. “Masturbation” are you a fucking posh bastard? who uses the word masturbation, “Oh darling I am just going into the loo with the Littlewoods catalogue for a light masturbation, I shan’t be long then we can sort dinner” I prefer to call it a ROO and I think it’s a much nicer word.

Well the last time you went to see the porn material webpages, my malware ended up being triggered in your computer system which ended up saving a beautiful video footage of your self pleasure play simply by triggering your webcam. (you got a really unusual taste btw lmao) Is English not your first language or did you not pay attention in school? The opening sentence does not read well at all. Aww thanks Jim it was nice of you to say it was beautiful footage, I appreciate that, can you explain what you mean by unusual taste? I have the full recording. Just in case you feel I 'm playing around, just reply proof and I will be forwarding the recording randomly to 10 people you recognize. Can you send me it first please, I would like to see it, thanks. It may be your friends, co workers, boss, parents (I'm not sure! My software will randomly choose the contacts). Would it not be better to upload it straight to x hamster and tag my contacts? Will you be able to gaze into anyone's eyes again after it? I question that... Aye and I think I would be quite popular. But, it does not need to be that path. I prefer the garden path. I would like to make you a one time, no negotiable offer. Give me your best shot! Get USD 2000 in bitcoin and send them to the down below address: What the fuck is a bitcoin? bc1***qftxgan9vx56sh9f86aejqys5kz0l0d408vt2nz [case sensitive copy and paste it, and remove *** (If you do not understand how, look online how to purchase bitcoin. Do not waste my important time) What so,

you think your time is more important than mine if you are trying to blackmail people for having a ROO then at least make it easy for them to pay you. What kind of operation are you trying to run? If you send out this particular 'donation' (let's call this that?). Right after that, I will disappear and never contact you again. I will erase everything I have got concerning you. You may very well carry on living your ordinary day to day lifestyle with absolutely no concerns. Do you think I am as thick as mince, there is nae chance I am paying you anything then have you disappear that would be one less person for me to contact. You've got 1 day in order to do so. Your time starts as soon you go through this email. I have got an one of a kind code that will alert me as soon as you see this mail therefore do not try to act smart. Smart is not really a word I associate with myself.

I look forward to hearing from you.

If you think I am a weirdo you should meet my brother!