Let’s talk about text baby!, Wednesday 8 December 2021, Day 630!

All I see is emojis, all I see is emojis, Emojis emojis emojis emojis emojis!

A lot of the time I really struggle to pronounce words and get tongue tied and mix words up, recently I was chairing a meeting with 80+ attendees and instead of saying “net wider” I said, “wet rider” (other condoms are available) of course not many people noticed and the few who did thought it was hilarious, so I got away with it. But I tell you it’s blinking hard to maintain composure and be all serious like when you have Snoop Dog blasting in your head “ tell me baby are you wet”

It took my poor family years of training to teach me to say spaghetti and down rather than spisgetti and doWn. I wouldn’t exactly call myself a wordsmith, but I do like words and enjoy finding out their origin and why meanings may change through time.

So, it was to my utter horror when text speak and even more so those damn emojis started taking over from the use of words, it’s becoming a whole new blinking language! I’m still coming to terms with text speech, anything that is not TBH, LOL, ROFPMSL or GTF I’m googling so I don’t make a pure arse of myself.

Even just the basic function of texting took me ages to get a handle on it, I was known for the shortest text’s ever “Malky do you want to meet at 6.30 outside the diner for a coffee x?” “yes” “so I’ll see you later then x?” no response from me… an hour later “Malky are you coming for that coffee? x?” “Yes” “ok it’s just I can never tell for sure your text’s are just so cold (no offence)x “ “I fucking said yes, gie me peace”

Oh, and the kiss, I never ever not in a million years ever added a kiss to my texts, what is that all about! Can you fix my boiler x, can you attend that meeting for me xx, can you bring me up wine xxx, apparently putting a kiss at the end of a text establishes a bond in a relationship be it personal or professional! Really, I don’t fucking think so, well not for me, I couldn’t have given a rat’s arse if there was a kiss at the end of my texts. Would people welcome me kissing them in real life. eh naw!

About 4 years ago after a good friend asked me how I replied and finished my text with a kiss. Well, she got pure paranoid that a) my phone had been stolen and someone was sending texts to cover up. b) I had been kidnapped and the kidnapper was sending texts to cover up. c) I had been murdered, you get the picture.

Luckily, I was ok, but I gave up the kisses, until covid kicked in and everyone started getting sentimental, not wanting to be known as a cold-hearted torn face bitch it wasn’t long before I buckled under the pressure and was sending wordy messages and kisses all over the place and not just the x the wee kissy emoji, sakes man!

I didn’t think twice about kisses, until a couple of months ago, when messaging someone that I worked with a long time ago and occasionally catch up with. To protect the innocent lets call this someone Bertie, now to say I fancied Bertie is an understatement, the guy gave me palpitations, I feigned asthma at the doctors to get an inhaler so I could take a puff when I saw him just to calm myself down, without even being near me that guy sent me over the edge and the FFs, oh my days! I was just too awkward and embarrassed to do anything about it. However, all was not lost as he is still gets brought out the wank bank, every cloud and all that!

So, getting to the point I was in a tizz with a kiss should I put a kiss, should I not put a kiss, Bertie’s none the wiser to the FFs and wouldn’t likely give a toss or notice if there was or wasn’t a kiss but the fact it was in my head got me all stupid and flustered. But it did make me wonder, do we really take the time to read messages and respond with a considered reply? Which brings me to emojis… I use them but I fucking hate the wee bastards, are we too lazy, too busy, receiving too many messages, or worse have we lost the power of words!

Firstly, emojis are so small that I can hardly friggin see them and I don’t understand what most of them mean so I waste time scrolling through the options or googling the images by which time I could have written a proper reply! There should be training provided by emoji makers, when is it appropriate to send an emoji with tears streaming down both eyes as opposed to one eye? When your only half upset for someone? The tongue sticky out one I thought meant I just had a lip-smacking meal but apparently not! Why did the aubergine become a representative of a willie? “Aww man I’m feeling horny I’m gonna send my burd an aubergine to get her in the mood”… tae make you a ratatouille? Aye cause that will work, it would just make me hungry.

Secondly with MS teams they have crept their way into the workplace Arrggg! you’ve busted a gut to meet a deadline, sent it to your boss and all you get is a thumbs up or worse a fucking love heart, I suppose it’s an acknowledgement but would it be too much for them to say “that was a well written paper you produced which was well received by senior management” Note to self as a manager.

Thirdly what really irritates me is if you ask a question and you get an emoji response, so is that a yes?, is that a holding response and I will get back to you?, is it I canny be bothered but I’ve read it so this should be good enough? Either way for me it’s a conversation stopper as when that emoji comes how do you respond to it? Is it any different from my previous one-word responses? On reflection, maybe not but in my defense at least I replied with a word!

PWALK (posted with a loving kiss) 👍🍆