In and out, Monday 8 June 2020, Day 82

Old McDonald had a farm, ee i, ee i o and on that farm, he had a……you’ve got to be kidding me man!

There’s a young family who live in the crescent near to me, I’m no kidding on right, the mothers name is Faye Scotland, aye, you read it right, Faye Scotland, Scotland is her maiden name, she never took her husband’s name, I don’t know why, he’s called Kevin Fyffe.

They are a lovely family, but the mother has an extreme off this planet case of cleaning OCD, she’s always sweeping the driveway, disinfecting the wheelie bins, dusting the garden hedges and washing the windows. (I might ask her if she wants to do my windows since I’m on the Tollcross window cleaners blocked list.) She finishes off cutting her grass by trimming the edges with a pair of hand scissors.

She’s also a bit of an alternative health nut, she’ll no take a pain killer for her sore head or get the kids vaccinated but she’ll stick turmeric up her bum hole to ward off diseases. I tried it once, it took me months to get the yellow stain off my fingernails and even longer to get the vision of yellow jobbies out my head.

The poor kids look as if they are scrubbed to an inch of their life, she must take off at least three layers of skin from their cheeks every day, it must be fucking agony. When I was seven, I was a flower girl at my Aunty Laura’s wedding, well my Aunty Pat scrubbed my cheeks so much they used me as a super trouper when the band came on.

When the Ice Cream van comes the kids never get an ice cream or a 10p mix, Faye comes out, gives them carrot ice lollies, tries to palm them off as orangeade or gives them a wee bag of Bombay mix, with a mini pot of hummus.

I know the kids are no deprived, but it breaks my heart, sometimes I fling mini bags of Haribo over the hedge, I can always tell if they get to them before Faye does as I can hear her all night yelling at them to calm the fuck down.

On Saturday morning I noticed the family were getting work done on what looked like their driveway but near to their front door. I got the binoculars out, filled up the sweetie jar, topped up the wine, got into a comfy position and sat down to wait. Five hours later, the work was finished, I had ate my body weight in wham bars, was slightly pished but I still could not figure out what it was. It looked a bit like a paddling pool but surely that would be in the back garden.

On Sunday coming home from Lidl I saw Kevin coming back from his work, as he walked up his driveway he started taking his clothes off, naked he stepped into the pool dipped himself in then stepped out at his front door.

I knew that COVID must be fucking with her head but even I was surprised that Faye had only gone and built a fucking sheep dip for her weans and man to go through before being allowed in the house.

Fuck that I’ll stick to washing my hands!