If you go down to the woods today. Monday 4 May 2020, Day 47

Lookout weekend 'cause, here I come, because weekends were, made for fun!

It's Monday again, I hope you all had a smashing weekend, mine was pretty tame but enjoyable.

I've started answering my mobile with "Tollcross 181" in a posh voice, so far I have had 4 hang ups, 3 people saying "oh sorry I was looking for Malky" and 2 close friends telling me to shut it and get a life!

There are some woods near me, when I say woods I really mean a cluster of trees in Tollcross park, but the best thing near me is the McVities factory, aww man the smells coming from that factory are incredible! Although I love a digestive biscuit I have a real concern that they are gonna be the death of me, if you have ever choked on a digestive crumb you know what I mean, it brings tears to your eyes.

Since it was nice weather I decided to make up a picnic and off I went, humming, (like a bird not a smelly person), if you go down to the woods today... I was disappointed that there was no teddy bears having a picnic but relieved that no mums and dads were having a shag and my Aunt Flo was no where to be seen!

My picnic consisted of two mini bottles of fizz, a wham bar, a packet of Roast Beef Monster Munch and a crispy roll with chopped pork and Brantson pickle. I lay back and licked the flavour off the monster munch before dissolving them in my mouth (it's the only way to eat them) and marvelled at the beauty of nature, the scattered light of the sun coming through the trees was beautiful. I tried to ignore the used condoms, needles, burst balls, shopping trolleys and the wino who was repeatedly singing King of the Road, another few fizzes and I would have joined him.

From where I was lying, I noticed a crisp packet sticking out the mud, I went over and started digging it up, it was a old crisp wrapper and one of my favourite kinds "Football Crazies" It was hard to read the date but it looked like 25 May 1975 or there about, I searched some more and found a packet of cheese and onion from 2006 it was fucking brilliant fun and is now my new hobby, though I may leave it off my dating profile.

I headed home shrunk them under a hot grill and turned them into earrings. Go on do it get the kids to help!

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