I want to suck your .....! Friday 5 March 2021, Day 353

You cut me open and I keep bleeding, keep, keep bleeding love!

Don’t you just love spring? The daffodils are out, days are brighter, baby animals are being born and all’s good with the world. Well except for the pandemic of course, I know, I know, I’ve always got to spoil it!

I’m up to 25 mins running, Yassss, no tantric orgasms though but you canny have everything.

Over the past few months, I’ve spoke to a few people who have been using their lockdown time to learn new skills, re-educate themselves and take on new challenges. It got me thinking what can I do? I’m still learning Spanish so don’t want to do a course and to be honest my brain couldn’t cope. There is way too much crap in there and I am just not yet ready to bin brain shite like, if I woke up as a teenager who would go to the one-0-one for me and why is Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia the word we use for the fear of words, one of the longest words I’ve ever seen. What is that all about, you can only ever say that when your pished!

So some of you will know that I am feart tae fuck from Dracula, not just a wee bit, or a medium bit, but a big, massive if I see or hear anything I’m going to bed with an orthopaedic collar (memory foam for comfort), garlic face mask, a sharpened wooden chopstick and a UV torch.

It’s a hangover from childhood and completely irrational but I just canny get over it. To this day I can’t watch any films, tv programmes even that cartoon film Hotel Transylvania was too much for me. If I wake up during the night, I count to ten before stepping out of bed and bombing it to the loo just in case he is lurking about waiting to slice open his chest with nails better manicured than mine and force me to suck his blood, before going in for my jugular.

So, I decided to challenge myself and take him on. Garlic popcorn to hand I sat down to watch the 2020 series, two mins in it was off, that opening music was pure creepy. I downloaded the book, now I knew the book was first published in 1897 but I didn’t expect there would be such a vast difference in language from then till now and the first few chapters were hard to read. Wouldn’t it be nice to go back to this -

1897 - The telegram from Van Heilsling informing me that Count Dracula’s carriage was on route startled me into action, I must make haste and take Mina to a safe place, but it is such an ungodly hour, I shall gently rouse her and pray that she does not wake in fright.

Rather than this -

2021 - OMFG that whats app from VH said that cunt Dracula was coming, “Mina, Mina, MINA, MINA, GET THE FUCK UP!

When I discovered that that Bram Stoker was Irish, I was more shocked than when I found out you canny actually see the Statue of Liberty from Oban (another childhood hangover) Irish!, any Irish people I have ever met are full of the joys and the craic not full of dark and mysterious murderous blood sucking head fuck thoughts.

No matter what time you appear at my wee Irish Aunty Sarah’s house she would have a three-course meal ready for you in ten minutes, and she’d give you the coat off her back. Making small talk between mouthfuls I said to her once “ I love the colour of your toaster ” “ach this old thing had it a few weeks now, here why don’t you take it” That night I did an inventory of my flat and went back the next day, I drew the line at taking her blinds, I’m not a pure savage.

Until Dracula turned himself into mist and slid through Mina’s window I was doing ok, but after reading that I had to give up.

I never achieved my challenge but I tried and that’s what matters and let’s face it, I really don’t need a man in my life who wants to suck the soul out of me and give me an addiction to Bloody Mary’s.