Hip Hip Hooray, Friday 5 June 2020, Day 79

Happy Birthday to me, Happy Birthday to me, I look even more like Dr Emmett Brown and I feel I live in a cage in a zoo!

Wow canny believe it’s my Birthday, a couple of months ago I was saying to my workmates the way things are going I’ll be in lockdown for my birthday but not really expecting to and here I am.

Another day older, or is it another year? Either way I know for a fact I am not any wiser.

I like having my birthday in June, it’s halfway through the year and makes me feel it’s the start of summer. My Sister and Brother were also born in June, people use to say did your Mum and Dad no watch the TV in October? Fuck off, If, your gonna slag us off, get the facts right! My Dad was a fisherman and the season ended early October so what else was there to do!

My sister was called June because she was born in June, my brother was called Stuart not sure why, but it means guardian so maybe it was to look after me and my sister, or maybe just me. I was meant to be called Lyndsey but when my dad went to register me, he didn’t know what way my mum wanted to spell it, so he registered me as Lynne instead. Can you imagine after months of discussion about what you are gonna call your wean, it’s changed just like that! I would have loved to have seen my mums face when he took my birth certificate home.

My brother’s wife is called Lynn, so we have two Lynne Malcolm’s in the family. I don’t know what my brother has me listed on his phone as, but I am ever grateful that I have never ever received a dodgy message! I’d be mortified, but no as much as him!

A year ago, today I had my pals (the Belters) up at mine for a bevvy it was a great night, but I remember the day better, it was a catalogue of disasters. I had taken the day off to get organised you know tidy the flat and pick up booze and food and I had to pop into town for a few things.

I had noticed the day before my front tyre looked a bit flat but tbh it went out my mind. Driving home after picking up provisions, my tyre blew on the motorway, well I fucking shit myself, for a few minutes I looked like BA Baracas driving the A team van, how did he never crash? I managed to safely get over to the hard shoulder and walk back to a rescue phone.

I tell you I felt like a right knob, what idiot forgets their tyre is flat (clearly me)

After about ten minutes I saw the flashing blue lights of a police car, after they confirmed the tyre had blown, aye I know I’m a knob but come on tae fuck even I can see that, they had to remove the car from the motorway so police no 1 asks for my keys switches the engine on and Cascada blasts out the stereo, the cheeky prick actually said “are you no a bit old for Cascada” If I wisney in such a vulnerable position I would have let loose. Police no 2 pulls up in front and escorts us off the motorway blue lights flashing. I would like to say it was fun, but it really wasn’t!

When I eventually got home, I was running about like a blue arsed fly, making sure the bevvy was in the fridge, opening pringles etc you know what it’s like, plus I was pure starving so I made a piece in crisps, nearly died when it got stuck in my throat, then I dropped two new loo rolls in the lavy pan, I was well ready for a wine that night!

Clearly, I won’t be having any adventures like a did last year, and no-one wants a lockdown Birthday, but I am lucky I’ve had some lovely surprises already and I can go visit people and vice versa even if it is just their gardens, after all I’d hang about anywhere!

Cheers and enjoy the weekend.