Fancy a Cuppa? Wednesday 6 May 2020, Day 49

To the right now, To the left, Take it back now y'all, One hop this time, One hop this time, Right foot two stomps, Left foot two stomps, Slide to the left, Slide to the right, Criss cross, Criss cross, Cha cha real smooth.

Well, well, well, Professor Neil Ferguson has resigned it was discovered he had his burd over on two occasions, did he not learn anything from my pal Catherine Calderwood, what a total fud!

In a statement, Prof Ferguson said: "I accept I made an error of judgement and took the wrong course of action, but come on, cut me some slack, I live alone, I’ve got needs, since lockdown I’ve been ROOing in the third division and I was pure gagging for some champions league action, I don’t think I deserve a red card, OFF!

I am fucking seething with envy!

One of the things I am really, really, really missing while working from home is a decent cuppa tea, mine is rubbish, I’ve poured away tea that I’ve made as it tastes like dishwater. I’ve worked in the same team for eleven years and all my teammates make a cracking cuppa. In eleven years, I think I’ve maybe made 400 cups, but I reckon I’ve drank around 20,000 plus. Every day I say to my work mates yes please I would love a cup, then mumble I’ll make a round tomorrow, do I do it, do I fuck, they never drink it anyway.

The thing is I just canny stand fake kitchen politeness and the kitchen dance. You know how it goes, you go in to make a cuppa and there are three folks in front of you having idle chit chat, talking about the weather, how busy they are and how they simply haven’t had enough time for a cup of tea yet and of course questioning why it takes soo long for the kettle to boil, eh cause you’re watching it ya daftie.

Then there’s that real boring bastard everyone tries to avoid, no kidding we had a guy on our floor who was soooooooo boring he was nicknamed Striker from the Airplane movies. Everyone who spoke to him felt suicidal, and the worst thing was he would follow you to your desk to finish his story, get tae, I do not care about your mother in laws bunions.

Oh and of course everyone stands in front of the sink and you canny get in to wash your cup, so you move forward two steps clinking your cups mumbling excuse me can I get in there, “oh sorry do you want in to the sink?” “No not really I just came in here to listen to your pish talk and stand for ten minutes with four dirty mugs in my hand” stomp stomp. You get the cups washed then you need to get a spoon and of course there is someone in front of the drawer, so you slide to the right pull the drawer open slightly and bash them in the side, they give you a dirty look and move back stomp stomp, at the same time as someone else you slide to the left to get the milk criss cross, they drop the carton on your foot, it wasn’t that sore so you only hop once this time…

Chai chai real smooth.