Ding Dong, DPD Calling, Tuesday 5 May 2020 Day 48

Let's get physical, physical, let me hear your body talk!

My ambition is to emerge from lockdown with a nice physique like Lois Griffin rather than Peter from family guy, so I've been doing the Joe Wicks PE class every day and I really need to stick to it.

You know I don’t even need to eat at a table I can balance my dinner plate on my belly and a glass of wine, it’s a pure talent. Fuck all those snowflake choirs and 105-year-old salsa dancers on BGT, get Malky on she can balance a 10-course tasting menu, paired with wine off her belly. It’s a yes from me!

I haven’t seen my pubes for about five years and in the shower, I can only see the top of my big toe. I really need to cut my toenails but it’s a pure friggin hassle, when I bend down the belly gets in the way, if I lift my foot the belly gets in the way, last week you would have thought I was bloody Quasimodo I was bent over double and just as I was in reach of the nails I took cramp down the left hand side of my body, I swear man I thought I was having a fucking heart attack, I couldn’t move, the pain was severe and of course my mobile starting ringing. The bells…….. the fucking bells, get tae fuck!

Then the door went (I bought a bell one of those ones you stick on the door and plug a plug funnily enough into a socket I switch it off at night) Bastard, I knew it was my DPD delivery with my new trainers, leg warmers and headband. I still could not move my upper body, so bent over in pure agony I did the geriatric shuffle down the hall and was shouting don’t go, please don’t go, I’ll no be long, but because I was bent over my voice was carrying in the other direction from the door. Three mins later, dripping in sweat ,I opened the door and he was gone.

Later that night I ordered a pair of long handled nail clippers and a smart bell with strict instructions to leave it on the doorstep.