Better out than in, Thursday 30 April 2020, Day 43

Like a gust of wind, you head me off sometimes, like a gust of wind, you push me back every once in a while.

The one good thing about living alone is you have complete freedom to do what you want when you want. You can walk about in your Sunday best, your Sunday worst, your Birthday suit, a gimp suit, stuff yourself with Maggi super noodles and if you spill your cuppa tea down your front who cares.

The other thing you can do when you want is to fart, though a lot of people try to deny it we have all let one rip at times, it’s a natural function of our bodies and sometimes you just can’t control it so its best to let it go.

I lived with this guy who had real issues about farting not for him of course he did it when he wanted, his distaste for me farting caused a few arguments. Now let’s be clear I never walked about the house farting the national anthem or farted in bed stuck his head under the duvet and not let him out until he said Ahh Bisto, or even farted in my hand and asked him to smell it. I never done any of these things I tried to be ladylike and only toot in private. But sometimes it just slipped out.

Him – You disgust me

Me – Why

Him – You know why, would you fart in work?

Me – Yes, just ask Joanne

Him – Aye so you do, your workmates would not put up with it

Me - Look if I can’t fart in my own house, where can I fart?

Him – Oh you can fart just in a different room from me.

Me- What the fuck are you a Disney princess, away to your ivory tower, ARSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So, these days I fart whenever I want and to be honest with lockdown, I am getting worse it’s as if I have lost any social etiquette I had. In the queue for Lidl ach fuck it they’re 2 meters behind me Brrraaapp, talking to my neighbour through the fence, phhhhhffftttttttt , ooops that might have been a wet one. Today I had a massive fart during my MS teams meeting, sorry guys take comfort that you couldn’t smell it.

But I’m sinking to a new level, I’ve started complimenting myself on my farts and hear myself say things like, Ah that’s a belter Malky, Good arse, Cracker thank fuck your no near the gas. I even slap my thigh for dramatic effect.

I came across a website that gives the top ten tips to stop farting so maybe when lockdown gets lifted I will check it out, in the meantime it’s whip crack away, whip crack away.